My nightmare

They called me to tell me I could go see his body. I had to maek sure he look ok to go home. I had not seen him since he lift the house a week earlier. I was scared and happy at the same time. I had only seen two dead people, my grandmother and my great grandmother. I had not been to alot of funerals. Theirs were different. yes, I loved them but this was MY HUSBAND. I were not suppose to be doing this at the age of 32. This was for old women. I never dreamed I would be doing this.
I let my mother be with him first. I didnt want to be botherd once i went in there. I didnt know how I was going to react. I needed time to think. So I let her go in first and I looked at her. I just watched her cry. I just watched my mother with my dead husband. I could not believe this was happeneing this had to be a dream, no a nightmare.....I just had a baby, we were just getting settled. We were making plans...... He could not be dead. this could not be my husband lying in a casket. I could not be a widow at thirty two. I had four children under nine without a dad two under that age of two. what was I going to do. I had to wake up cause this was not real....No god could do this to a person I knew this was a mistake. Please God i thought look and make sure you have the right person. I cannot do this. I have babies.I need this man...... I am alone...... PLease wake me up.
I never did. The nightmare just continued. It just got worse. It went into things That I could have never in my wildest dream thought of.
I finally went in. He looked so good. I was amased at how he looked. His face had changed. He was darker, and his face was round not long like it was before. He was so hard. he didnt feel or smell the same. I touched his hands. they were cold and so hard. I leaned over to put my head on his chest. it felt like a board. hard and stiff. i just laided there. thinking about our life. thinking about how much i wished he could just give me one more second. i wanted to tell him I was so sorry for not knowing he was sick. I wanted to tell him I didnt know he was having a heart attack I wanted to tell him I loved him I wanted to tell him I am not strong enough for this and I needed him to come back. I cant do this alone......I wanted so many things but it didnt matter. I could wish for days but nothing would change the fact hat he was dead. He was gone. I talked to him. never said the things in my head. I told him I was going to be a great mom. I told him the babies were never going to forget him I told him we would be ok. I told him to rest and enjoy Jamaica. I didnt want him to worry about me. I was doing enough of that for ten people. I worried about everything. from the day Ken died until this very day I am a worrier. I think abotu death all the time. I think abotu how I will manage. I have aged 16 yrs in 8 yrs. I worry abotu my kids when they get sick. I mean i really worry. I am so scared they might die. I take every illness so seriously. I over obses about them and everything. Seeing my husband die killed me. It took away the old me and left behind a woman i dont even know. She is strange to me. I am still getting to know her. I guess in some ways she saved me> I think The old me could not deal with with what happened and this new woman came in to take over. I sometimes wonder what happened to the old me. I Wonder if I will ever see her again. I wonder if I would know her if I saw her. She has been gone so long I don't even remember her. I just know I miss her.

Next chapter Jamaica